What to do: husband mildly flirting on Facebook, I’m checking his mail & Facebook account & deleting emails…?
Question by Sandy G: What to do: husband mildly flirting on Facebook, I’m checking his mail & Facebook account & deleting emails…?
My husband has been a good/decent partner – we have been together for over a dozen years now. I have a graduate degree and make enough money so he can stay home with our child. I work a lot of hours to support our family, but it can’t be any other way since he couldn’t earn enough for me to stay home (he has no higher degree).
Since we have been together I have always “checked-in” on his emails and web site viewing history on occasion. Many years ago I found out that he was viewing what was a lot of porn sites (at least it is a lot to me) and actually did an online sex chat with some woman he didn’t know (I was the other woman, not that he knew it then nor does he know about that now). Posing as this other person I asked him to meet and he said he was not interested, so I felt secure that he was just curious and not looking to physically cheat on me.
So, fast forward to today, I still occasionally check on him (browser history, email and Facebook account). He actually gave me his passwords a long time ago when I was helping him with odd issues on his laptop. Today, I suppress my disappointment at his porn viewing just because it’s his private fantasy need and he’s not looking at anything that I would view as sick or disturbing. I have seen spam email from singles sites, but no evidence that he has an account or anything – so I’m still not seeing anything that would be an issue, right?
Well, here’s the ISSUE: he has a lot of old friends on his Facebook account. Old girlfriends, all his high school friends etc. I read several of his facebook emails from some old friend of his that I have not heard of (I don’t know anything about her). They have mildly flirted back and forth – going on about being older and how they have gotten better with age (I’m 5 years younger than him). He replied to her telling her that she is the Tinkerbell to his Peter Pan. Mild, but really upsetting to me. They went back and forth a couple of times – nothing shocking but it hurt me so bad to see him be so sweet to another woman and not do the same for me. Then she made a commentabout how her kid came home and asked what a “milf” was because a kid at school called her that. My husband commented on how the label was appropriate and aksed why no one ever talks about ‘dilf”’s. To which she responded that she would cosider him a “dilf” (of course this was her response, since his comment was an obviou fishing-for-compliment exercise). I don’t care what other people send to him, because I’m not in a relationship with them. What I care about is his response, because I married him. I have a couple of friends who make flirty comments to me every once in a while, however, I never respond in kind. I accept the compliments gracefully and move the conversation on; period, the end. So, last week, after a month of no communication between the two, this person sent another Facebook email to him with more compliment fishing comments and calling him “Peter” again. I was so upset that I deleted the unread email (from both Facebook and the email notification Facebook sends to his regular email account). It gets worse. I did it again today. She wrote to find out if everything was okay (since she got no response form him from her last email) and whether “Peter’ wants to go and get coffee sometime. I deleted it because I am sure I would not be okay with them going out to have coffee and I just don’t want to deal with it.
I am worried: is my husband losing interest in me (lately he’s been somewhat distant) and how bad is it that I am now not just monitoring his emails but deleting the ones I see as hurtful? Any advice would be appreciated.
Thanks to all the responses – I will think over all of the replies. To mssimmons0708: I treat people as they ask to be treated – I was given reason after reason to for monitoring his internet use. As a married adult I do not visit singles sites, have explicit chats with anyone online or offline, or send flirty messages to anyone other than my husband. That’s what it means to be an adult with self control, a good spouse, a good mom to my child, a good provider to my family and a decent person in a commited relationship in general. I treat him as I would like to be treated – I know that were my husband to ever check my email (which is open to his viewing on my PC, no password needed) or to check my Facebook account there would neverbe anything there to upset him. I have no secrets from my spouse and nor do I do things I would be ashamed for him to know or see, with or without my knowledge. That’s what a partner should be.
Best answers below:
What do you think? Answer below!
Related posts:
- Facebook question-EASY 10 POINTS? by Mike Burns Question by K.C: Facebook question-EASY 10 POINTS? Hello. On facebook’s homepage/news feed there is a vertical column on the right side...
- is it ever acceptable to use your husband’s popularity/fame to advance your own career? by Molly DG Question by Leymyeh: is it ever acceptable to use your husband’s popularity/fame to advance your own career? my brother is in...
- Q&A: Is it ever acceptable to use your husband’s popularity/fame to advance your own career? by Public Domain Photos Question by Leymyeh: Is it ever acceptable to use your husband’s popularity/fame to advance your own career? my brother is...
- Q&A: Will adsense ban my account if I used PLR articles as web content for my blog? Question by romantichild: Will adsense ban my account if I used PLR Articles as web content for my blog? Best answers below: What do...
- Will adsense ban my account if I used PLR articles as web content for my blog? by The U.S. National Archives Question by romantichild: Will adsense ban my account if I used PLR Articles as web content for my blog?...
Sorry, I have ZERO respect for a man that does not provide.
I couldn’t even finish reading this.
Rather than snooping behind his back, you need to talk to him. Tell him what you’re concerned about, and if he denies that it’s happening, tell him you *know*.
Confront him, ask him what is going on and tell him how you feel. Ask him point blank if he has feelings for her, ask him EVERYTHING that is on your mind, and tell him you can be forgiving of anything IF he is completely truthful.
Once you have all these answers it will be much easier to approach this situation.
My suggestion would be to tell him to stop flirting with her, allow him to have a relationship with her, but free of any type of flirting.
Good Luck
First off, if you have ever watched Peter Pan, you would know that Peter and Tink were never more then really good friends ( although Tink liked Peter he didnt see her as more then a friend) In fact Peter married his love Wendy…..get the picture?
You have crossed too many lines of trust, checking up on your spouse’s email is rude unless you are telling him your doing so, I suspect you’re not. Also now you got yourself in a pickle and need to come clean before she does reach him. If you are not ok with them having coffee together then you need to make it clear to him and since you already treat your husband like a kid maybe you should just write his friend and let her know that you dont approve of thier style of chat and dont want them out together.
I think you need to look inside yourself and ask why you feel so threatened and jealous when he hasnt really done anything to hurt his marriage, you even said that yourself and yet you still dont trust him.
He’s flirting with someone that new him at a more innocent time and he finds it all flattering.
Now, with that being said, yes, he’s is on the fence from keeping it fun and flirty to crossing the line. If he’s starting to seem distant because he isn’t sure of where he wants it to go.
If I were you I’d come right out, not angrily, and ask him what’s going on? He knows you have the password so it can’t come as a surprise that you check in once in a while. Ask him what he’s doing with her and what is he planning on doing about his situation.
If he gets pissed at you, then you can assume he does want to cross that line and is caught with his hands in the jar. If he seems remorseful then you know he was contemplating it, but has so much guilt that by you catching him has stopped what could have been a huge disaster.
Either way, he’s been the at home parent and if you get a divorce, he could get custody and you’d pay child support.
If I were you, I wouldn’t erase his emails and would monitor them daily. That way if you catch him making plans you can print them out, place them on his desk and patiently wait for him to find the red flags.
If you give him another chance, he has to be transparent for everything until the day you trust him again!
You should talk to him as soon as possible about it and get him to cease and desist on his inappropriate Facebook activities. Like another responder said, he is lucky that he has you for a wife especially since you do more than your share of the work in this relationship. I can understand the stay-at-home dad situation but the doesn’t give him a pass to be infidel like that.
You are so special and any man would be lucky to have you as a spouse, so providing and understanding. Don’t settle for a chump (if he turns out to be one.)
Rather than checking his mails and deleting them, why dont you keep an eye on his activites without him knowing. You can do this using keylogger surveillance software, and it will capture details of all websites visited.
How do you know he does not have a few email addresses set up, and he could be registering on dating sites, its just food for thought. With computer monitoring software you can track all acivity right down to the time it happened.
best of luck with your situation
http://www.keyloggersurveillance.com
If it were me I would take her off his list and block her!
I would tell him that I saw the emails and they are not appropriate.
He should not have a problem with it.